New beginning
Now Playing: Clock ticking in the background
I am taking the house near my house.  It is a great deal and has so many benefits besides just the price.  Obviously proximity my kids can come over anytime they like.  Ryan liked having his own rooom there so he can hang out and have friends over whenever he likes.  There is a basement so I can set my weights up and heavy bag and continue to work out.  There is no treadmill but it is warm enough now that I can run outside.  There  is a washer and dryer.  I can have a dog? ( need to check with the landlord and check ventilation)  It will be my safe place where I can sleep. There is a yard to hang out an play in. It is within walking distance of the post office, library, pizzaria, cvs, bagel deli, church, etc.  I can still eat dinner with the family.   I am excited for my new life I truly believe Terri and I will both find happiness and continue a kind and loving relationship with each other.

enough
Now Playing: clock ticking in the back ground

I spent the day in the conference room with the consultant Doug.  When I got home all the anxiety came rushing back.  I cooked dinner and the bbq was out of gas so I had to use the George Foreman Grill.  We all ate together everything was fine.  I cleaned up afterwards went up stairs and closed the door and told Terri  I was moving out and getting an apartment in Port Jeff.  I packed my clothes for a week and gave her my wedding ring and said Happy Anniversary!  I said I was staying by Rob Altner but really I didn't have anywhere to go.  I said goodbye to the kids and got in the car and drove away.  I called Don to tell him what happened and he said I could stay over there and we watched 24.  I sent an email to Wayne because we had a meeting in Bayshore on Wednesday to see if he had a comfy couch that I could crash on.  and he said he had a guest room and that I could stay there for awhile.  I am torn between an apartment in Port Jeff or something local in Center Moriches.  The kids would prefer me to be closer but I don't know if I can handle living that close to Terri.

More problems
Now Playing: The departed

Went out last night to see Bills in the band in Huntington.  The place was packed but the band was good. I came home early and and was in bed by 1:00AM.  Terri woke up at 3:00am and put on the TV and started with facebook.  I got up and went downstairs to sleep in the spare bed but couldn't fall asleep.  So I went back upstairs and Kevin was in my spot so I climbed in Terri got out and went down stairs.  I still could not fall asleep so I went down stairs and I could tell there was tension so I brought my book upstairs and eventually fell asleep.  The alarm went off at 6:00am and the neighbors dog was barking.  I finally go up around 8:30am.  I treaded and and went to the bagel deli for Kevin and when I got back Terri told me that she was going to Outback with Lori on our Anniversary and that the plans that we had today were smothering her and that she is not in love with me.   I took a klopton or whatever it is and she saw and said she couldn't take it anymore.  I said me neither.  We both calmed down and I think we are okay now.   I think I need a different therapist.  Paul and I aren't getting to the heart of the problem.   We spent the last 15 minutes of my session talking about cloud servers.   I don't know what to do anymore.  At least I do know for sure where I stand with Terri.  I think the best thing is to move out and get away from the whole situation. I did give her our anniversary cards but she hasn't gotten a chance to get me one yet.  I also gave her the Dragon Fly pin.

 

Rough weekend
Terri met her facebook classmates at Dave & Busters last night.  I was anxious in the afternoon and then fixed dinner and was okay.   She was very excited and told me no one was bringing their spouses.  At least she thought of the possiblilty.  I watched seven pounds which ended at 11:00 and I was dozing off.  I couldn't fall asleep and Terri came in after 2:00AM.  She had fun and told who was there.   I woke up around 8:30 and have been exhausted ever since.  I am also having trouble breathing.  Which may be related to all this.  So for all my stress getting through all this she told me another one is planned for May 2nd.  I will have to get used to this or find an apartment and get away from it all for good.  I am trying and working on this with Paul. 

Terri said.

2 things Terri said.  She didn't want me to move out because I would be alone since I don't speak to my family and my family would be living here..  She also said if we get separated/divorced we would have to sell the house and she would be worried after we sell the house we might get back together. 

 

My Room
Now Playing: There will be blood
Terri and I had another talk.  She will not say whether we will or won't get back together.  Enough ambiguity.  I bought a dresser and moved all my stuff downstairs.  Now I don't have to go upstairs to get my clothes, pillows, or to take a shower.  I can get up in the morning, shower and get dressed and leave for work.  Also, I can come home at night get my pajamas on and go right to bed.  I believe this puts an end to my sleeping in the bed with Terri anymore. I have an appointment with a Psychiatrist tomorrow.  Played darts with Don last night and didn't get home until after 1:00AM.  I am trying to finish up the top soil in the back yard.  Terri is by Laurie now she needed to get out of the house for awhile.  I bought a book more about that after I start to read it.

Denial doesnt work
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Huey Lewis and the News
Something changed over the weekend between us and I am not sure what it is.   It was the wrong time to admit we both wanted to separate because Terri still needs to finish the semester to get her Masters in CSW.  We have sent mixed signals about there being any chance that this could all work out.  We are afraid of the financial picture.  This morning Terri told me she had a dream that she wanted to get back together and I said no.  Similiar to the dream I had a few weeks ago where I said I wanted a divorce and she said 'Me too!'.

Small fight during dinner
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: Northern Lights on Lifetime by Nora Roberts
Made dinner tonite.  Cheeseburgers and curly fries.  Terri went to return her phone and she had the cheese in her car.  The burgers were on the bbq and I was watching for Terri.  I didn't realize she went all the way into Shirley to AT&T.  So finally she pulls in coming from the other way.   She was on the phone with Lori on my cell.  During dinner I asked her why she came from that direction because I was upset about the cheese and now everyone was home and we were short one burger.   Terri did offer to get more burgers.  Anyway now Terri gets upset because I am watching her every move.  I said i was sorry and why I said it.  She said I felt unappreciated and that is how she used to feel an why she went back to school.  She came down awhile ago and said everything was ok and has been on the phone with Lori ever since.    Anyway Im tired and the movie is almost over..  I did chat with Kristie for awhile on facebook.

Childhood
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Fleetwood Mac You can go your own way
I threw out my childhood teddy bear that my wife was going to fix and had in the back of her car.  The nose is falling off and one arm has already been amputated and stuffing is coming out of all different places.  It was a gift from my mom one Christmas and meant alot to me as a child.  Now it seems kind of sad and depressing.    

Another Week
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Clock on the wall ticking away

I talked for the full 45 minutes during therapy on Friday.  I have a lot to talk about. I told Paul I would have no problem using the 30 sessions that the insurance company allows.  Jack took me out for a burger Friday night and I talked some more.  Came home told Terri about it and she asked if I would want to get in bed with her and watch some tv..... we ended up sleeping together all night.  it is strange during the divorce anouncemet process we are getting closer on some levels.  We definitely communicate more and while sleeping I like having a hand on her so I know she is there.   I rubbed her back and touched her skin I have always been a sucker for her skin.  She strongly suggested I see a therapist and after my session Friday she said after I am done I probably won't want her anymore..  Our marriage has become nothing and we are sending conflicting signals that maybe this may work out in the end.. There probably was a time we could have worked this out but that was many years ago.  We do both reassure each other that neither of us has had an affair.  Although I still sometimes feel jealous regarding her "friends" on facebook.   I think that is going to be enough for this post but I would like to keep some of them pubic.